Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: Blog World, fortune, Google, gratitude, reader, religion, winner, work
Last night’s drink: King Fish Merlot
So it only took me one day to fail at NaBloPoMo, but that day was SO great, that I’m going to forgive myself and keep going.
Today’s thought on “letting go” has to do with the phrase, “Let go; let God.”
If you know me, or just happened to come upon a few specific posts here, you also know that my views on religion are a little scattered. A part of me even had a hard time capitalizing the word “God,” because it seems to hegemonic. And my idea of God is humbler than that, and less singular.
This phrase crossed my mind this morning as I was considering my fortunes of the past few days. I’m such a control freak, that I’ve been working myself into a froth over the way some things have seemed to tank in my personal space. I finally peaked like a stiff merengue, and just sort of crumpled down from there. And then, things just started happening.
Most notably and relatably is my winning the Blog World contest yesterday, for which I am extremely grateful. While newspapers fall and the career paths that truly stoke my passion start to face uncertainties, this opportunity feels so crucial to their survival and mine. I’m definitely going to make it count, and even more exciting to me is that I’m going to be meeting others who are doing the same.
I’ve also had many freelancing opportunities recently open up to me, which is definitely a godsend considering all else. The market is so fierce right now, I have to be grateful for any extra work that comes in — especially work that doesn’t involve waiting tables or sucking up to jerks.
Also, the more I let go of my inhibitions and protectionist attitude, the more I find that people open up to me. And I really like you guys, so it’s a pleasure — no matter how strange the stranger.
Finally, I have to give a shout out to Google Reader, because I just recently set it up and it makes me happy in a million different ways every day.
And if any technology embodies God’s work, it has to be related to Google somehow.
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: cheating, disillusionment, infidelity, life, love, marriage, men, random, relationships, sex, thoughts, women, work
Last night’s drink: Louis Jadot Beaujolais
Helen is a coworker that I spend a significant amount of time with – especially since, at least once a month, we drive six hours together to and from Indio. Helen is in her 40’s, from a traditional Mexican heritage, in her second marriage to a Chinese man who cooks American/French fusion cuisine, and the mother of two daughters about my age. Helen is the kind of person that likes to give advice, and I’m the kind of person that likes to hear people’s opinions - sometimes, I’ll ask her insubstantial questions just to hear what she’ll say.
Last week, I was venting to Helen about my disheartening experiences with marriage, as of late. It seems like, for every four married men I meet, three are having affairs.
“That’s about right,” she said. “Most married people these days cheat. It’s rare to find monogamy in marriage.”
Her response took me aback, but the opinions that followed were pretty interesting.
The people who were more likely to cheat, she said, were the ones who were wealthy, or who wanted to appear to be. This includes young upstarts with nice cars and crappy apartments, and established men with fat nest eggs and even fatter heads. Having multiple women is like a luxury to them – a logical continuation of the affluent lifestyle they seek. It really isn’t anything personal against their wives – it’s just another investment in being the part…maybe even the part their wives expect them to play.
In some cases, men and women in these situations both cheat – or they may even have an understanding between the two of them that there will be others outside of their marriage. Let’s face it – nobody’s perfect. Neither is marriage, from what I’ve heard. If your sole purpose for getting married is to have a comfortable living or simply a body to come home to, then it may make perfect sense for you to get married first, and then find your intimate connections after.
Another reason people cheat, Helen said, is to network professionally. Whether you’re trying to make a name or simply move up, no one can deny that sex sells. Mixers, conferences, professional organizations or even boards – these things bring people together from different tenticles of an industry for their own benefit, and the benefit of the product. In general, the more professional “connections” you have, the more successful and reputable you appear to be.
So you have a lot of like-minded people in one place, oftentimes drinking, and meeting under seemingly serendipitous terms, and it creates all the chemicals needed to produce explosive connections. These types of connections between men and women can feel very emotional and intimate, but it’s more than likely that heterosexual males are having the same connections with eachother. Work or no, it’s exciting to meet people you connect with. The difference is that the prior example will likely lead to sex at some point – marriage or otherwise. If a man can have a professional and a personal conquest in one, why wouldn’t he say yes? It’s twice the food for his ego, with only half the work.
In both the “luxury” and the “success” perspectives, the affair is a way to build yourself up with more instantaneous gratification than, say, honor and hard work will proffer. Plus, guys get to feel like they have a modern day harem, and what guy doesn’t love that image.
The thing to keep in mind, though, is that the root of the word “harem” actually means “protected” in Arabic, and in other early languages. This is because the harem of classical terms (the original harem) was meant to protect the women, not to exploit them.
Isn’t that the reason why you guys are bigger and stronger?
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: assholes, broke, coffee, life, optimism, random, school, work, writing
Last night’s drink: Vendange merlot.
You can tell by the steady decline in the quality of my alcohol that I’m still recovering from the financial blows of the holidays. That, and Wells Fargo is a business based on the highest grade of assholes alive. Don’t ever use them. EVER.
Despite having a only a few Washingtons to my name, I’m finding that I already have a lot to keep me occupied until the payday after rent. Thanks to my insider connection with a coffee roaster, I have at least a three-month supply of delicious coffee, which makes me feel better no matter what. I also have a lot of food in my fridge, thanks to the sustaining properties of peanut butter and jelly. I have makeup, nice clothes, and a flat iron, which help me to garner mood-lifiting compliments. I can clean my apartment, and cleanliness is next to godliness. I have full use of my legs, so I can walk to anywhere downtown, in Balboa Park, or bayside, where people watching is at a premium. I have paid my phone, internet and cable bills, so that’s set for a month. I am engulfed in a book that I love, which is the height of satisfaction. But mostly, I just have coffee. Without coffee, I wouldn’t be in the mood to appreciate everything else. Now I just need a friend in the wine business.
I started school at the beginning of this month, so I’ve been writing a lot, just not in here. Jenn said that she missed my blog, and I really appreciate that. The funny thing is that I’m still getting a lot of hits – mostly from people googling the term “crossdresser” (in reference to my “Pink Swoon” post from October). There are some pretty interesting blogs out there from crossdressers. Some of those might even be just as entertaining without coffee.
Going back to school has renewed my outlook on life, and on myself. I feel accomplished again, and intelligent, and that I truly do have talents and contributions to make to the world. I can overlook the assholes at work, and recognize that they don’t mean anything to me. The light at the end of my current job is not much farther away than the end of December – or June, if I decide to scrap it all and start waiting tables again. Even with the decrease in pay, I have a feeling I’d be happier overall. I’d definitely have more to write about.
In the meantime, though, I’ll keep looking for satisfaction in free activities, such as walking into the nearest Wells Fargo branch and flipping off the personal bankers, one by one.
I mean… watching the birds. With coffee.
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: , Bethesda, faith, family, guilt, life, martyrs, Maryland, people, random, thoughts, work
Last night’s drink: House merlot at the Saphire [sic].
I successfully evaded three hours of dining with my coworker last night, and opted, instead, to take an early evening nap and a walk around downtown Bethesda. This part of Maryland is very cute and made for rich people. It has safe options, like Rock Bottom and cute little boutiques. But every town, no matter how ritzy, has it’s dive. The Saphire was my saving grace, along with Tony, Charlie, Chris, the bartender, and the Tastee Diner we went to after I’d had a few.
Tony, who graciously covered all of my food and drinks last night, couldn’t understand why I wasn’t thrilled to be in a job that sent me last minute to Washington D.C. The thing is, he was right. And I am grateful for the paid trip, and the expensed food. What I’m not grateful for is the 24 hour company of martyrs and health nuts.
I’ve struggled with the ability to blow off martyrs for… well, forever. If you are secure in yourself and your abilities, confident in your work ethic, and have reasonable self-esteem, martyrs should not bother you. I have all of those things, and martyrs get me every time. Whether they are family members who take on the extra load, or co-workers that treck into work with the flu, they always ping me in that one cerebral spot – the one that makes my jaw tighten with guilt. As soon as I’ve been exposed to their cross, all I can do is think about how I should be doing that, too.. and how inadequate I am as a result.
Of course, an hour later I’m over it – even sooner if I have a glass of wine to wash it down. But what can I do to circumvent it all together? The readiest answers are to either: a) tell that person to get a life; or b) tell the world to go F itself. I’m not the kind of gal that would do either of those things, so those aren’t viable solutions for me, as relieving as they sound. Besides, it’s my problem that these people are getting to me – not theirs. I need to find the anchor inside me that I can hold on to when I get the urge to throw things at these people’s faces.
….and… nothing comes to mind. Normally, I’m pretty good at identifying this stuff, but all I can think is that I just want martyrs to leave me alone. Stop making me feel guilty for enjoying myself after work. Stop making me feel bad for eating chocolate cheesecake. Stop making me feel like a selfish brat for not visiting my grandparents all the time. I put in my hours – I exercise willpower – I write them nice, long handwritten cards every few months. I pay my dues, dammit – and I don’t rub it in your face to prove it.
I think some people need to identify with their suffering, because they can’t identify with their joy. They need it to bond with others, and to have meaning in their lives. Suffering is, I believe, the root of all faith in religion. If you never had to see through a bad time, you never had to have faith that you would. So when you bond with others and you find your spirituality in the things that bring you down, it’s no wonder that you feel the need to put it out there. Maybe these people, in actuality, are trying to bond with me, in a funny way? I don’t know… I think martyrs hate competition.
Joy doesn’t prequisite faith, though it can spring from it. And I can identify with my joy a little too much sometimes. I still have faith, though, but I think mine springs more from confusion and that wierd, floaty feeling of the unknown. And I think I bond with people more over the unknown than the grief that sometimes comes from it.
It’s not likely I’ll be persecuted anytime soon, as a waspy, middle class chick from Southern California. But I hope I don’t try to bond over it, if I ever do.
I’d rather just go get a drink with you.
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: diplomacy, facade, honesty, life, random, reality, sassy, tattoos, thoughts, women, work
Tonight’s drink: Smoking Loon Merlot.
I consider myself a generally nice person, but being fake nice is just exhausting. I’m currently in my own hotel room in Maryland, just outside of Washington D.C., finally starting to decompress from a full 36 hours with a co-worker.
This particular co-worker is actually pretty cool, compared to some of the people I could have made this trip with. However, like me, she can be controlling, neurotic, know-it-all, indecisive, stubborn, and passive. You would think that spending so much time with someone like you is a piece of cake, but it’s actually more exhausting than being with someone more your opposite. When you’re with someone who is different from you, you can easily identify the characteristics you don’t mesh with, and react or accomodate accordingly. This is especially true for those traits that annoy you. You sort of just swat the things off like flies, annoy the other person with your quirky ways, and let the two of you tumble along in a rolling yin-yang of contradiction. Somehow, a balance ensues.
When the things that annoy you about someone else are the same things that annoy you about yourself, a friction is created. The parallels rub against eachother like Oprah’s thighs, and generate a sort of heat-rash of frustration. And just as Oprah can’t get mad at her thighs for the irritation they bring her, so, too, can you not get pissed at your twin figure for being your bad side. Deep inside, you know you’re slowly rubbing them the wrong way, too, but all you can do is continue being yourself. You aren’t funny, because they’ve heard that joke before. You’re not cute, because they’re used to being the cute one. You’re not smart, because they’re used to being smarter. Your life stories are basically all the same.
There is one noticable difference between the two of us – she’s married. While this is basically the great divide of all women over 25, the difference is more the ultimate buzzkill than a conversation piece. Her next big goal is kids – my next big goal is a recreation of Sex in the City, a la me and Jenn.
Part of the problem is definitely my job. When you work as a manager in a non-profit, you have to accept that life as your own. I’ve grown to understand that the only work you leave at home is the work you don’t care about. I actually love work, so I have to do what I love, and what lets me be myself.
As I get ready to go to bed, I have the Miami Ink marathon on in the background. I love tattoos – I love getting them, I love seeing them on me in the shower, I love seeing them on others. Of course, the tattoos I have are hidden to the world, for the most part. This was mostly out of respect for my father, but also in consideration of my professional life. If I’m honest with myself, though, I want a job that doesn’t blink if I have a tattoo of a long, lovely pin-up on my forearm, and I put mousse in my hair to make it more voluminous. A job where the arts and a little controversy are just another day. A job with a little less diplomacy, and a lot more sass.
And no more of this one glass of wine with dinner B.S.
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: , alcohol, behavior, education, family, life, thoughts, wild, women, work
Last night’s drinks: Pietra something Merlot.
Kyle and I had an extended happy hour at Modus last night, which then continued in my apartment with pita chips, Rex Goliath, and Little Miss Sunshine. I think we both passed out around 10 p.m.
Of course, I woke up this morning at 4 a.m., stumbled to the restroom, and looked in the mirror to review the mess I’d made. It wasn’t too bad, but it prompted me to think immediately of work which, in turn, prompted me to give my reflection a look of disapproval and consternation. Normal girls don’t act this way, I thought to myself.
So as I washed up, I started to think about what normal girls do do on Tuesday nights instead. I could come up with some hypotheticals – like, they make dinner, watch television or read, work out, talk on the phone, maybe lay out their clothes for the next day. I do these things, too, on weeknights (except for the clothes thing – that’s just over the top), but hardly ever on a consistent basis. I’m all busines in the morning and throughout the workday, but at night I’m hit or miss.
It prompted me to want to figure out who these normal girls were that I was comparing myself to, and why I wanted to be them.
Are they business women? Well, I do feel really good wearing suits and black leather shoes, and I like being on committees and working on projects. I also really enjoy having business cards and a job title with “manager” in it. I like my desk. I like my office. I like shaking hands with people and coming up with strategies for how to get these done, and done right. But I only like working in the business world when it’s not interfering with my social agenda. And business isn’t my passion, it’s more like a lucrative game. So, I don’t think it’s the business women.
Are they wives and moms? It’s hard to deny wanting to be a wife someday – and if I’m being realistic, also a mom. Even though I’ve talked about my ability and enjoyment of living alone, and my acceptance of probably dying alone, there’s no denying that I really enjoy the partnership of a good man. No one wants to marry a woman who spends more time leaning over a drink than she does leaning over a stove – or at least, the man I would actually consider marrying doesn’t want that. And I would never be caught with more than one glass of wine in front of little kids. So, obviously, I’m not putting myself out there as a potential for either of those things – because I’m not even close to being ready for that. So, it’s not them, either.
Are they law school students? Yeah, right – I’ve seen them party.
Are they good daughters? My dad’s very proud of me.
Are they good Catholics? You know those are the wildest chicks of them all.
Maybe I’m just trying to be a bad girl after all.
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: , advice, education, family, life, thoughts, women, work
Tonight’s drink: Penfolds Shiraz/Cabernet.
Not to hold on to the past, but I’ve been thinking a lot about the blog conversation I had with Pawel, Edward, and Francois in Vegas. At the time, I was very self-conscious and deprecating of my blog, because I was in the midst of a bunch of people that actually knew what they were doing. But when they said that they liked it, I was encouraged, and I tried to pay attention to the pointers they gave me for how to make it better.
In the past, I would’ve maybe shunned criticism of someting as personal as a journal of my thoughts. But I think your late 20’s constitutes a time when you start to take a look at what you’ve done for yourself to date, and wonder how you can make it better or more sensible. Like tonight, when I skipped the soft scrub and just poured bleach in the sink. Or last night, when I just parked five blocks from Croce’s and walked into downtown instead of getting ripped off at a parking lot.
I’ve been planning for the last few months to get a second bachelor’s in journalism, but I can see now that I’d rather just go to law school like I’ve always wanted to. No more listening to people’s poo-pooing. I’m only going to listen to people that have advice on how to succeed. As I write this, it almost makes sense to the point of idiocy. Why would I take pointers from someone who thinks I’m going to fail?
A lot of people that don’t know me, and are exposed first to my carefree side, automatically assume that I’m stupid. I think part of it has to do with the long legs and dorky shell. It’s insulting, yes, but I’m getting over it. It does leave me to wonder if I’m shooting myself in the foot with all this partying and generally saucy behavior. I guess as long as I’m not posting nude pictures of myself on the internet, or participating in amateur night at Deja Vu, I’m within the confines of reasonable behavior. Feel free to argue that point - sometimes I live in a dream world.
Like the poo-pooers would influence me, so, too, would the idiots that think I’m a moron. I often wondered, after expressing my dreams, how I could ever think that I would cut it in law school. The more practice LSATs I take, and the more I enjoy taking them, I’m beginning to see that I’d not only cut it, but I’d slice it, dice it, and turn the drippings into the best freaking gravy you’ve ever had. Let’s face it – dorks are good test takers.
After that, the spectacular blog.
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: , articles, culture, family, life, love, news, Newsweek, pregnancy, single, thoughts, women, work
This Morning’s Drink: Coffee.
There is currently an article in Newsweek, titled “Knocking Yourself Up,” which discusses post-30’s career women empregnating themselves with donated sperm. Apparently, there is an emerging American trend within this demographic of exceling in one’s career, tripping over a string of date bombs, and eventually deciding that the other half of procreation is too easy for all that noise.
Ever since I started thinking about being a mother, I’ve always pictured myself as a single mother with a little girl. I’m not one of those women who is in a hurry to have kids – in fact, I’ve always been terrified of the prospect. I’ve gotten more used to the idea as I get older, but there was a time when I’d hear of officemates getting pregnant, and my first instinct would be to console them. For some reason, kids, in my world, have taken on a sort of “Dead-End” sign at the end of a paved road. Past that sign is a bunch of dirt, weeds, gravel, and an end to life as I know it. I’ve noticed, though, that the older I get, the more I imagine that space with flowers and grass. Maybe it won’t be the end.
Notice that statement is in the future tense. Like, distant future tense.
Many people have told me that I will find someone and get married, but I’m having a hard time believing that to be true. I am starting to understand why people a half a century ago were getting married and starting families so young – because, when you get married young, you haven’t had a chance to harden yourself in your singledom. I love living alone. Love it. Sharing a space with someone who is similarly stubborn will likely be a jarring experience – sharing a life with that same someone… yikes for both of us.
I know a lot of married people, but I know a LOT of single people, too… and I’m not just talking mid-20s singles. I live in an apartment complex that sort of resembles a cross-section of the singles in the world. There are a few of me, a couple young straight men, one young gay male, and the rest are older, gay & straight, men & women. With cats. Lots of cats in this complex.
We are all relatively normal, social, even attractive people (with the exception of the psycho guy down the hall), but the point is that there are mostly older singles. Maybe a sample of 30 isn’t that statistically significant, but it’s something to think about.
In a sort of side note, I just recently read a blog (sorry.. I can’t find it now) that criticised people who used fertilization methods as being “genetically vain,” because, I guess, they were effacing their destiny of not being able to procreate with others by doing so unnaturally (and they should just be adopting instead). Though the logic sucks, I can sort of see her point. If natural selection hasn’t selected me, am I not throwing a wrench in the gears by doing it myself? If I were to have a child, though, I would want to experience all of it. The growth inside me, sonograms, maternity clothes, cravings, the big belly, childbirth, the whole enchilada. If that makes me vain, well… I’ve always liked Carly Simon.
So if that Mr. Right doesn’t propose, I have options. At least I know that I won’t be alone.
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: astrology, candy, evening, free, Halloween, horoscope, Jenn, life, NaBloPoMo, November, random, thoughts, venting, work
Tonight’s Drink: still Banrock (hey, I’m saving up all the fabulous drinks for Vegas).
It’s pretty much a solid gold statement that work is not my favorite place to hang out. However, work is probably one of the most resourceful and convenient places I spend my time. Need to fax something to my insurance company? I can do that at work. Want to print a fabulous picture of Jenn and I but I’m out of ink (or my printer just sucks)? I can also do that at work. Down to my last dollar and in need of food that consists of more than one ingredient? Sometimes work can even do that – yay for New Employee Orientation lunches!
Today, work filled an especially interesting void – it gave me a mini Halloween celebration. Helen gave me a little Halloween gift bag with every candy I was craving, and a cupcake. Women all over the office had brought in candy that they were hiding from their husbands… but the whole office was munching on it instead. Some people dressed up in very casual costumes. Father Joe actually didn’t wear the collar today, which I’m assuming is his version of acting like someone else for a day. But most of all, people were in a generally good mood, inside and outside of the office. The only bad part about today was leaving work. I was the last one there tonight, and many people upstairs have said that there is a Chinese ghost that haunts the place at night. This isn’t my first late night there, but it is my first late Halloween. My radio kept fuzzing in and out, and I kept jumping a little at the sound of the A/C – but no ghosts this time. If they don’t take the opportunity to scare me tonight, I’m just going to assume they aren’t interested.
In other thoughts.. the countdown continues, and I’m pleasantly surprised at how quickly Wednesday flew by. In less than three hours, October will be replaced with November, and I can read my new horoscope for the month (you should do it, too – she’s good); I will have even fewer days until I’m lounging by the pool; and the National Blog Posting Month begins! Jenn and I will be attempting to participate – even in the Vegas mind-fog of next week. But maybe you’ll do it too! If you’re reading my blog, you know you can do better… or can you.
Alright… enough of this. Thank goodness for getting paid, having an office job with plenty of free electronic equipment and food, wine at home, friends all over this goshdarn nation, and a public venue in which to vent all over you, and you, and you, and, yes… even you.
Filed under: On the House | Tags: , coffee, dreams, insomnia, life, morning, October, random, shower, thoughts, work
This Morning’s Drink: SLO Roasted Peruvian blend coffee (the best on Earth – seriously).
My alarm was set for 4:30 a.m. this morning, but I kept having these awful dreams that awoke me at 1, 2, 3 a.m., so that I finally opted for a little peace from my brain, and got an early start to the day.
Usually my nightmares are very similar or even repeats, but the ones last night were brand new. A giant spider living in my heater that was just waiting for the right moment to snip my limbs off at the joints. A crazy man in the middle of the road back home in Dairyville who ran me off the road and into a ditch where he tried to drown me. Those are the two I remember most vividly. The others had to do with a bunch of shapeless images and feelings that I can’t quite describe, though I do recall a lot of dust flying around.
Wow, I already have to get in the shower in 15 minutes. I hate being rushed by life. It’s one of the few things that my insides throw a two-year-old tantrum against. It’s no use, though – life always has the upper hand. And then it’s like, when I get in the shower, life has bested me yet again! For awhile, this was happening every morning before work, and it was really bringing me down. I was so tired that I couldn’t stay awake, and I couldn’t get up early enough to have a little bit of quiet time before the raucus behavior of the day. Too bad it isn’t raucus because I have unique problems, like my two-headed cat won’t stop fighting itself over its Fancy Feast, or the engine of my Delorian keeps cutting out at traffic lights. At least then there would be some new discovery in my problem solving. The stuff I have to deal with now, I feel like I’ve heard it all before on talk radio.
I’ll be so glad when October is over. Something about this month raked me over the coals… and it wasn’t just the So Cal fires. To top it all off, since the fires are threatening to divert a huge chunk of my nonprofit’s income, it looks like I won’t be getting that raise after all.. I’ll be lucky if I get the annual 3% in June. I do love my job again, and I’m sure that I wasn’t meant to take that other offer. But what exactly is the lesson here… don’t follow your gut if it isn’t what Dad told you? I love and admire my Dad to bits, but what a bunch of crap. I guess it is that you make your decisions, and you go with them. I think our nature is to second guess ourselves.
Three minutes until mandatory shower time. I guess I should get the final warm up on my coffee before I brush my teeth. The good news is that it’s Tuesday, and that it will be over early. And in a week from today, I will be flying into my own personal heaven.
