Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: hangover, life, random, reality, thoughts, time, Vegas, wine
Tonight’s drink: Five Rivers merlot.
God, where do I begin. No, really.. God.. I could use some feedback right about now. The Vegas fog has lifted, and I’m back in the swirl of the real world. My bed is small, my outfits are not fabulous, and I have to do laundry and make my own bed.
Jenn said it best – Vegas is like a drug. The worst kind of upper, that drops you from 500 stories. But gradually, like a feather that isn’t in a vacuum. I came down slowly on Monday and fluttered to the bottom by Wednesday night.
So what does a Vegas hangover look like? It’s very, very quiet. No clubs, sterile environments, lots of water, sobering subjects, and people that do give a damn. Though I feel a little bit brighter at work – like no one can touch me. There’s something about Vegas that makes you feel like a goddess. You want to rock the heels in every location, and show off your midsection until it gets it own tanline. San Diego doesn’t have the same effect, as you may well imagine. The girls are pretty, but in a calculated way. The guys aren’t on the prowl, and the lack of effort is palpable. I’m left with a studio apartment and a half-bottle of merlot in which to relax and relive the week through flickr. How does time simply disappear?
Did you know that the way we keep time is based on an atom? Why can’t we use nuclear energy to harness that atom and make it worth its salt? Imagine the time bombs that you could create. Past, future, present – all in little radioactive shells. I’d throw them into third world countries to quickly bring them up to speed, or I’d sit on them, like an incubating egg, in my bedroom to take me back to the days when I could play dress up in my mom’s clothes. No diets. No boys. No work. No sex. Just summer and Easter egg hunts.
Regardless, I sit with an empty wine glass, and revel in the fact that I’m old enough to buy cigarettes, porn, and bottles of wine, such as that which is currently making me mellow. Maybe time has swept away my innocence and my Vegas, but it’s also churning up a slew of new adventures I haven’t even dreamed of.
I just have to believe that time is impressionable – otherwise, its pressing down on me.
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: decadence, evolution, fantasies, life, love, men, random, relationships, sex, thoughts, Vegas, women
Last night’s drinks: Grey Goose and lime.
Vegas would be nothing without women. Somewhat of a bold statement, yes, but not really. If Vegas were everything it is minus every single lady employee, it wouldn’t be. It’s that thing about a woman that can’t be bottled and sold. She’s either standing there, or she’s not.
It’s amazing what people – men and women of all sexual orientations – will give to have a woman in their personal space. Money, power, favors, pride, personal safety – whatever the sacrifice, there’s a need for that soft skin, warm scent, and enticing energy to be within reach. It’s not just evolution at work, either – I know many straight women who have felt that pull, and been surprised at the hazy inebriation of a woman’s seduction. As a woman myself, even I don’t know my own strength, but you can bet that some women do.
What if this essence of women is sort of like the active ingredient of love? Like the bleach in your Soft Scrub or the peppermint oil in your gum. On its own, it’s overpowering and maybe even harmful in large doses but, tempered, it is more forgiving and less abrasive. That would explain why women are so universally appealing and, at the same time, so open to scrutiny.
People want love, and they want their love to be “true,” according to their standards. If the essence of love is found in femininity, and you can’t tangibly replicate that essence, the only other option is to create it in your fantasies. So then, you want your fantasy version of this truth to collide with reality. Like the chem lab for catalyzing love, fantasies let you keep trying different ingredients until you get that explosion. So if, in real life, the fantasy doesn’t ring true, the love doesn’t follow… no matter how much they want it to. Desperation for love is everywhere you look, because love simply is not. So women out there are working hard to meet the fantasies, and men are working hard at fantasizing.
I think too much credit has been given to evolution for explaining human behavior. Decadence is hardly an evolutionary quality, yet people are decadent with food, entertainment, alcohol, drugs, sex, and they’re still on top of the food chain. It isn’t a huge leap, then, that they would be decadent in love – but how do they ever get their fill?
I don’t think they do.
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: , article, life, money, Newsweek, politics, power, random, vacation, Vegas
Last night’s drinks: vodka and soda with two limes.
I’ve been reading a lot of Newsweek lately, which has been inundated, fortunately and otherwise, with articles on candidates from Hillary to Huckabee. So far, my favorite has been on the man that hasn’t officially decided if he wants to run yet – Mike Bloomberg. Of course, the name Bloomberg is associated with money, which almost immediately triggered my gag reflex, but the article completely changed my mind. In the article, he was confident, charming, and self-assured which, combined with many other attributes, has presumably brought him to where he is today.
Last night’s jaunt in Vegas with Jenn made me think more about the politics of successfully getting ahead in any arena where money and favors are to be had. It’s all about the charm and the attention, both of which can lead to great rewards. I used to take a relatively laissez faire attitude toward doing anything but dancing in the clubs in this town, but you find that the extra bit of effort you put into the “details” activities, like going to the hotel bar or doing a lap around the casino, has potential for payoff.
We tested this a little last night, but I’m going to blame the venue and the timing rather than us, since we were looking pretty cute. But I’m looking forward to playing up the surprise angle, like Bloomberg, and unleashing some of the secret skills that might win over those who otherwise may not have given a second look.
Hi ho silver and MAC!
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: anxiety, article, brain, daydreams, dreams, fear, Friday, insomnia, life, mind, New York Times, news, random, sleep, thoughts, vacation, Vegas
Last night’s drink: La Borraca Merlot.
It’s Friday. And it’s not just a TGIF kind of Friday – it’s a seriously celebratory, last day before vacation, loving sensation sort of Friday. I can’t believe it’s finally here. I already feel better.
Better, that is, except for the fact that I can’t sleep. I’ve been having more dreams, and less comfortable sleep, but it has nothing to do with the physical accomodations of my bed or my apartment, because I’ve been in both for years now. It’s just this overall sensation of discomfort – almost like a sticky, humid fog just sitting inside me. And the dreams are not helping. I wake up many times in an unidentified panic. Something’s chasing me… or the day is escaping me; either way, I’m slipping.
I read an article this morning in the New York Times on “…Why We Dream At All,” which concluded that dreams are a sort of “fear extinction” mechanism in your brain. The majority of dreams that people have are bad dreams. In dreaming, your body is sort of exorcising your anxieties by wrestling with them in a no-holds barred arena, where anything is possible. If you make it through your dream, the author says, you’ve successfully rid yourself of that fear. If you’re awakened by it, though, it’s still sitting in there.
As I commented in a previous post, the nightmares I have are typically reoccurring. I immediately recognize them once I’m in them, but when I try to remember them while I’m awake, it’s really hard. And there are quiet a few. I think the reason why they are so hard to conjure has to do with the fact that the things that make them so unpleasant have less to do with tangibles (like, being stabbed) and more to do with that muffling type of anxiety that comes with yucky feelings like futility, hurt, anger, lonliness, etc. Maybe these things take more than dreams to flush them away, though. Or maybe the reason I can’t recall these dreams is because my conscious mind just doesn’t want to go there.
A couple of years ago, Z was really into taking charge of his dreams, or Lucid Dreaming. I’ve never done it, but basically it’s the art of pushing for awareness in your dreams, and then taking control of them. For example, I remember him telling me once about a dream in which he sort of took control of his thoughts and started flying. Maybe this technique could be used to get a better handle on dealing with your emotions? So, if you decided that the middle of a nightmare was a good time to try a little lucidity, would you be taking hold of your emotions, or simply denying them? If my mind would rather deal with my emotions in my dreams than in my consciousness, then why would it try to be conscious for emotional abatement, given the option? Sounds like a recipe for really screwing with my head.
The article didn’t mention anything about daydreaming, which has taken hold of me a couple of times recently. I find, though, that I have to start that process – it doesn’t just come to me while I’m looking at numbers on reports or pumping gas. I have to actively think about daydreaming a scenario before it actually happens. Is that normal?
You don’t hear a lot of people analyzing daydreams. Maybe that’s because it’s sort of a sacred ground where you have to feel free to swim in a giant pool full of plastic playland balls, or play on the world’s largest cushioned slip-n-slide, or have a fabulous dinner with a perfect glass of wine on the Rhone, or cuddle with one of those smoosh-face cats on a giant bed with silk sheets and linen pajamas, or wake up in a beautiful bed and breakfast on the Mendocino coast, or lounge like a rich person mid-week in Vegas.
At least that last one won’t be a dream for long. Long live A&J.
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: boredom, random, relief, thoughts, travel, tv, Vegas, work
Tonight’s drink: Banrock Station merlot.
So, I’m sitting here, watching my first official cable tv assignment, Dancing with the Stars. This definitely isn’t the kind of show that you can watch by yourself.
My eyes were so swollen this morning, I could barely put on mascara. But I just drank a lot of water and stayed in my office, and no one seemed to notice too much. I must not have looked too awful, though, because Ryan asked me to meet him and my girl Harper (and probably her husband) for drinks on Thursday. Nothing like getting the weekend started early.
One thing I do wish I would have gotten in on was Halloween. I can’t believe it’s just going to pass me by. And, at this point, I have no idea what I would even throw together. I’ll just default back to the fact that I’m waiting for Vegas.. and I’ll add that I’m saving up for when Halloween is actually on a weekend day again. Yeah… pssh.. who in their right mind…
Let the countdown begin until no work, lots of craziness, alcohol, dancing, looking, flirting, hurting the next morning, and then putting your shades on, pulling your hair up, throwing your bathing suit on, grabbing a liter of bottled water, and letting the sun be your blanket.
Oooh la la.
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: , broke, food, life, Oz, Pretty in Pink, random, thoughts, Vegas
Tonight’s drink: still Rex.
Tonight is one of those wierd evenings where I’ve taken one bite out of pretty much every food item in my home. It’s like I have this deep hunger inside me that can’t be fed.
So why I am milling around, eating myself out of house and home? I think a big part of it has to do with the fact that I am really and truly broke, and all I want to do is go out and be around those heathens downtown. I’ve closed all but my emergency credit card accounts, so that I’m running solely on cash… or solely on fumes.. those two can be used interchangeably in my case.
I know there’s something good about staying in all weekend.. especially since I’m going to be spending almost all week in Vegas in just about 10 days. I’m going to sit by the pool and blog, or read, or tan, or people watch, or listen to music, or just sleep until my eyes are too awake to even blink. And then I’ll get drunk and dance and ravage my body all over again. So this weekend I must be completely opposite of my Vegas self. I must be mild and quiet and pale-skinned. Easy enough.
The one thing I’m going to have to abstain from both before and during Vegas is shopping… which really sucks. I’m thinking I’m going to have to put on some Pretty in Pink moves and sew together some fabulous top. It might be fun. Or, it might be a disaster when all of the seams split mid-dance move at Rain. On second thought, that should be worth at least one free drink.
More than the partying and the pretending to be fabulous, I’m looking forward to simply getting the hell out of San Diego. I’m tired of the work, the drama, the lack of friends. America’s Finest City has become my own personal Oz. I guess you could say that I’m off to see the wizard at the end of the I-15. There’s no place like anywhere but home.
