Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: anxiety, article, brain, daydreams, dreams, fear, Friday, insomnia, life, mind, New York Times, news, random, sleep, thoughts, vacation, Vegas
Last night’s drink: La Borraca Merlot.
It’s Friday. And it’s not just a TGIF kind of Friday – it’s a seriously celebratory, last day before vacation, loving sensation sort of Friday. I can’t believe it’s finally here. I already feel better.
Better, that is, except for the fact that I can’t sleep. I’ve been having more dreams, and less comfortable sleep, but it has nothing to do with the physical accomodations of my bed or my apartment, because I’ve been in both for years now. It’s just this overall sensation of discomfort – almost like a sticky, humid fog just sitting inside me. And the dreams are not helping. I wake up many times in an unidentified panic. Something’s chasing me… or the day is escaping me; either way, I’m slipping.
I read an article this morning in the New York Times on “…Why We Dream At All,” which concluded that dreams are a sort of “fear extinction” mechanism in your brain. The majority of dreams that people have are bad dreams. In dreaming, your body is sort of exorcising your anxieties by wrestling with them in a no-holds barred arena, where anything is possible. If you make it through your dream, the author says, you’ve successfully rid yourself of that fear. If you’re awakened by it, though, it’s still sitting in there.
As I commented in a previous post, the nightmares I have are typically reoccurring. I immediately recognize them once I’m in them, but when I try to remember them while I’m awake, it’s really hard. And there are quiet a few. I think the reason why they are so hard to conjure has to do with the fact that the things that make them so unpleasant have less to do with tangibles (like, being stabbed) and more to do with that muffling type of anxiety that comes with yucky feelings like futility, hurt, anger, lonliness, etc. Maybe these things take more than dreams to flush them away, though. Or maybe the reason I can’t recall these dreams is because my conscious mind just doesn’t want to go there.
A couple of years ago, Z was really into taking charge of his dreams, or Lucid Dreaming. I’ve never done it, but basically it’s the art of pushing for awareness in your dreams, and then taking control of them. For example, I remember him telling me once about a dream in which he sort of took control of his thoughts and started flying. Maybe this technique could be used to get a better handle on dealing with your emotions? So, if you decided that the middle of a nightmare was a good time to try a little lucidity, would you be taking hold of your emotions, or simply denying them? If my mind would rather deal with my emotions in my dreams than in my consciousness, then why would it try to be conscious for emotional abatement, given the option? Sounds like a recipe for really screwing with my head.
The article didn’t mention anything about daydreaming, which has taken hold of me a couple of times recently. I find, though, that I have to start that process – it doesn’t just come to me while I’m looking at numbers on reports or pumping gas. I have to actively think about daydreaming a scenario before it actually happens. Is that normal?
You don’t hear a lot of people analyzing daydreams. Maybe that’s because it’s sort of a sacred ground where you have to feel free to swim in a giant pool full of plastic playland balls, or play on the world’s largest cushioned slip-n-slide, or have a fabulous dinner with a perfect glass of wine on the Rhone, or cuddle with one of those smoosh-face cats on a giant bed with silk sheets and linen pajamas, or wake up in a beautiful bed and breakfast on the Mendocino coast, or lounge like a rich person mid-week in Vegas.
At least that last one won’t be a dream for long. Long live A&J.
Tonight’s drink: Blueberry Stoli and soda, no lime.
I grind my teeth in my sleep when I’m upset. Or when I’m sober. Especially if I’m both. It wakes him up in the middle of the night, which means that he wakes me up in the middle of the night.
Last night, he woke me up at least three times that I remember. There was a point even when, in my sleepy stupor, I thought, “Man, this is too much.” He holds my chin or lightly pats my cheek to get me to stop. Like a cocker spaniel that won’t let go of the ball. But I can’t say I blame him – I’m relentless, even when I’m unconscious.
So what’s with the freak out? I submitted my resignation at work today. Over two years of my life are now circling the drain. I must say, I’ve never had a day so bipolar. People loved me. People hated me. People were jealous of me. A few people could give a shit. And everyone made a point to let me know exactly how they felt about it. There is only one person at work that I truly cannot stand, to the point that I can’t even look her in the eye for fear that the smoldering vermillion inside of me will shoot out of my pupils and directly through her head, setting all of her hair on fire. And she was the least reactionary, which only made me want to laser her face even more. Never having to see her again will make the entire thing worth while. That, and the bigger paycheck, paid holidays, and monthly bagels and donuts.
Of course, I continue to obsess about my imaginary studio apartment in North Pacific Beach. I want to live within walking distance of Turqouise, and to walk there often. So of course, the question is: do I fully move in with him and then save up for the move, or do I break it off now and just have a giant, glacial shift in my entire life? See.. you’d grind a little, too.
Which leads me to the new self-discovery of the day: I am completely indecisive. Of course, I should have known this about.. oh.. 20 years ago, when I would walk my mother around the entire circumfrence of the mall three times before I decided how exactly to spend all five dollars of my allowance. The difference now is that, back then, once I made a decision, it was over, and I could move on. Now, it’s like every decision I make is an obsession of uncertainty, riddled with brief, poignant pauses of absolute conviction on one side, and then the other, of the pendulum’s swing. Today, though – even with the voice of my boss ringing in my ears with promises of matching the offer – I pushed through the madness by repeating to myself, “You made your choice, now live with it.” That self-affirmation stuff has a little something to it. The ice princess down the hall didn’t hurt, either.
