Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: cheating, disillusionment, infidelity, life, love, marriage, men, random, relationships, sex, thoughts, women, work
Last night’s drink: Louis Jadot Beaujolais
Helen is a coworker that I spend a significant amount of time with - especially since, at least once a month, we drive six hours together to and from Indio. Helen is in her 40’s, from a traditional Mexican heritage, in her second marriage to a Chinese man who cooks American/French fusion cuisine, and the mother of two daughters about my age. Helen is the kind of person that likes to give advice, and I’m the kind of person that likes to hear people’s opinions - sometimes, I’ll ask her insubstantial questions just to hear what she’ll say.
Last week, I was venting to Helen about my disheartening experiences with marriage, as of late. It seems like, for every four married men I meet, three are having affairs.
“That’s about right,” she said. “Most married people these days cheat. It’s rare to find monogamy in marriage.”
Her response took me aback, but the opinions that followed were pretty interesting.
The people who were more likely to cheat, she said, were the ones who were wealthy, or who wanted to appear to be. This includes young upstarts with nice cars and crappy apartments, and established men with fat nest eggs and even fatter heads. Having multiple women is like a luxury to them - a logical continuation of the affluent lifestyle they seek. It really isn’t anything personal against their wives - it’s just another investment in being the part…maybe even the part their wives expect them to play.
In some cases, men and women in these situations both cheat - or they may even have an understanding between the two of them that there will be others outside of their marriage. Let’s face it - nobody’s perfect. Neither is marriage, from what I’ve heard. If your sole purpose for getting married is to have a comfortable living or simply a body to come home to, then it may make perfect sense for you to get married first, and then find your intimate connections after.
Another reason people cheat, Helen said, is to network professionally. Whether you’re trying to make a name or simply move up, no one can deny that sex sells. Mixers, conferences, professional organizations or even boards - these things bring people together from different tenticles of an industry for their own benefit, and the benefit of the product. In general, the more professional “connections” you have, the more successful and reputable you appear to be.
So you have a lot of like-minded people in one place, oftentimes drinking, and meeting under seemingly serendipitous terms, and it creates all the chemicals needed to produce explosive connections. These types of connections between men and women can feel very emotional and intimate, but it’s more than likely that heterosexual males are having the same connections with eachother. Work or no, it’s exciting to meet people you connect with. The difference is that the prior example will likely lead to sex at some point - marriage or otherwise. If a man can have a professional and a personal conquest in one, why wouldn’t he say yes? It’s twice the food for his ego, with only half the work.
In both the “luxury” and the “success” perspectives, the affair is a way to build yourself up with more instantaneous gratification than, say, honor and hard work will proffer. Plus, guys get to feel like they have a modern day harem, and what guy doesn’t love that image.
The thing to keep in mind, though, is that the root of the word “harem” actually means “protected” in Arabic, and in other early languages. This is because the harem of classical terms (the original harem) was meant to protect the women, not to exploit them.
Isn’t that the reason why you guys are bigger and stronger?
12 Comments so far
Leave a comment
Leave a comment
Line and paragraph breaks automatic, e-mail address never displayed, HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
One reason people cheat is that no one woman can be all things to any one man, and no one man can be all things to any one woman.
Variety is the spice of life!!
Comment by Caroline March 23, 2008 @ 6:48 pmCaroline - so, it sounds like you’re saying that the problem with marriage is that it asks people to be monogamous against their nature. If it didn’t have that whole monogamy bit, then couples wouldn’t have a problem.
What the hell is the point of marriage again?
Comment by clearlii March 24, 2008 @ 9:48 pmThis is a post that I’ve been meaning to write for awhile, but I think you’ve done more justice to the subject matter than I could ever have. What you’re blessed with is an outsider perspective, and what I’m cursed with is knowing that every single word you right is true. I am very much a part of the conference circuit, and men love the attention of a pretty girl. Exhibitors result to getting “booth” babes to attract attention…wtf? When did a conference become the type of venue where Hooters wasn’t the after hours event but the in-conference feature?
To the question of marriage, I too have lost all faith in the idea of monogamy. My parents, who are monogamous, represent an ideal that seems pretty much unattainable. Maybe it has something to do with my dad’s commitment to the church, to his willingness to accept his flaws and not give in to his lust, or maybe it’s because my parents are simple folks and the glitz and glamor of the spotlight has never burned in their loins.
Comment by Jenn March 26, 2008 @ 8:28 pmI think it’s all a “bunch of shit.”
Comment by David March 28, 2008 @ 7:42 pmNo one can intellectualize cheating. If you’re a shallow piece of shit you will cheat…and if you’re somewhat evolved, you will NOT! I hate all the fucking excuses. Get it out of your system, and then say: I do.
what a discouraging thing to read the week before my own wedding
i’m no idealist, and i know the odds aren’t good, but i’m just hoping for the best at this point! it’s not impossible, right?
can’t wait to see you next week… xoxo
Comment by chelsea March 29, 2008 @ 1:22 pmTo Chelsea:
Comment by David March 30, 2008 @ 12:19 amHave faith. There are good people in this world. Be an idealist…Forget about odds…good creates good…don’t let anyone tell you different. Hope, hope, grab hold and don’t ever let go!!!
Let promise happen…
And smile…
I think Helen has raised some valid points. Most of what you’ve written about is true.
I have similar experiences that parallel the ‘luxury & success’ perspectives; though I feel your post doesn’t reveal the entire picture. It is not as simple as you suggest.
Power + ego + booze + conferences don’t equate to cheating men. Some cheat… but you make it seem like it is an invariable trap the majority of men fall into. The fact is, I know many men that don’t cheat, won’t cheat, and are monogamous. I also know men that are open about sharing their experiences with their wives.
People have a need to feel sexy throughout their lives; occasionally that gets lost in marriage. It’s not about being bigger or stronger. It is about being in touch with yourself and your sexuality.
Comment by John April 3, 2008 @ 7:32 am[...] and Infidelity Jump to Comments My best friend and female soul mate, Angie, recently wrote a post about men who cheat on their wives and the commonalities between them that she’s picked up on. You should read the post and [...]
Pingback by Gratuitous Sexuality and Infidelity « Content Dynasty April 4, 2008 @ 4:55 pmBefore I moved to the US, I lived in Cambridge, England for a while. There I briefly dated a girl who lived in a really small village outside of Cambridge.
One night I was invited for dinner with her and her crew of friends. Halfway through the dinner and after a drink or three, she started spilling the beans on all the dating/married couples at the table, of which I remember there were quite a few. One by one she was telling me who from what couple was f**king who from another couple. I was pretty shocked.
Then I had the opportunity to move to the US, and she said to me “give it a year, and if it doesn’t work out, come back and marry me”.
I know I smiled rather uncomfortably on the outside, but the inside was screaming “RUN AWAY, QUICKLY!!!”.
I like to hope this isn’t the case always, but in my experience it seems like it’s ridiculously common.
Sad..
Comment by Curtis May 15, 2008 @ 9:16 pmI like to think of behavior in terms of Darwinism… When you consider that, it makes sense that we all want our partners to remain monogamous yet we still have a desire to cheat. It’s a rather unfortunate situation, but we’ll just have to do.
Comment by Kevin May 21, 2008 @ 5:35 pmMonogamy isn’t an aspiration, IMO… like polyamory, it’s something to which you’re wired or conditioned. Neither is ignoble, weak, or selfish.
Screwing someone other than your wife or husband isn’t the problem. Lying to your mate is bad. Deceiving your mate is bad. Taking unfair advantage of your mate is bad. Disrespecting your mate is bad. (Of course, doing those things in general isn’t so hot… it’s just worse with someone you love.)
When I find a woman attractive, I don’t sneak furtive glances at her… I nudge my wife and say, “Wow, she’s hot!” When she has a panty-wetting dream about a co-worker, she tells me about it. And on the rare occasions where we’ve found ourselves in potentially sexual situations with other people, we tell each other about it ASAP.
It’s all about practicing honesty, and just as importantly, rewarding it. If your relationship is based on respect and trust rather than control and convention, the stuff that you commonly hear married people worrying about just doesn’t seem so tough.
Comment by Roger Benningfield May 31, 2008 @ 10:46 am