Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: conversation, life, love, men, random, relationships, strategy, thoughts, women
Last night’s drink: Gilley’s merlot.
When I was little, my favorite thing about my grandparents’ house was that they had an entire cupboard dedicated to board games. Monopoly, Life, chinese checkers, cards, dice, Trivial Pursuit, Operation, Candyland, Uno – you name it, they had it. I used to love to picture them sitting together with a bunch of old people friends, drinking coffee, and laughing over moves and answers that I didn’t understand. The truth is, my sister and I were the only ones that played them, really. Except Bupkis - that’s a family treasure.
Risk was one of the games in the cupboard that I hated – not because I thought it was boring or especially chauvinistic, but because I couldn’t get past the rules to even pass judgement. I can only take so much strategy in a game before I become faced with a case of diminishing returns. The energy it takes to plan your moves and play the game supercedes the enjoyment you get from it. I prefer little bursts of strategy – like in Ocean’s 11 and the Thomas Crown Affair. You plan first, carry out your calculations, and escape with the rewards.
I don’t know if this is impatience or laziness on my part, but I’m seeing this mimicked in the way I handle my relationships. I can’t be bothered with the stamina of a drawn-out, ongoing strategy that’s carefully played, one turn at a time. Instead, I hold out, and simmer, and think about all the what-if’s and the questions I want to ask, and I keep them all inside to keep the tenor of our relationship relatively steady. Meanwhile, my insides are quaking with the pressure of its contents, until I wait for the “right” moment to let these things spring out of my gut – sort of like that scene in Alien, only slightly more uncomfortale and less gross. Suddenly, there I am, thinking, Was this really the right moment for this? or Should I take that as a yes or a no?
Obviously, the problem here is twofold: 1) my strategic planning sucks; and 2) my delivery is even worse. I spend too much time incorrectly anticipating a number of things, like his reaction, or my ability to articulate what it is exactly that I’m trying to say. If someone invented a vaccuum that could suck up all the words that just left your mouth and effectively clean up the mess they made, I’d be first in line. I really should just stick to writing – computers give you at least three ways to stop you from making a fool out of yourself (Delete, Backspace, Ctrl+Z… etc.). It’s as if a bunch of shy, inarticulate hermits came up with these things in order to communicate with the rest of the world. Wait a minute…
Joking aside – I totally sprang one of these gut busters on Josh last night, and immediately regreted it. Not only because I had just come back from the bar, and was ineffectively putting sentences together, but because I wasn’t planning on saying it until the end of next month, right before he left. His response was much less than I had hoped for. Basically, he’s leaving at the end of next month, for pretty much the rest of the year, and I just wanted to know if he thought our relationship was good enough to wait for.
Poor Josh – how do you answer a question like that after dating someone for three months? Is that long enough for anyone to know? The truth is, I don’t even know – but I do know that I care about him a lot, and I don’t want to screw up the rest of the time we have left. So, my strategy in that regard is to just pretend the conversation never happened, and see what the next few weeks bring. If that doesn’t work, I’ll think up a new plan.
And if I have anymore questions, I’ll just pass him a note.
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: advice, conservative, Dr. Laura, liberal, life, love, men, politics, random, relationships, talk radio, thoughts, women
Tonight’s drink: water. For now.
It’s raining in San Diego this weekend, and it’s a peaceful sort of rain. As if San Diego is so inexperienced with weather, it doesn’t know how to have a proper storm. A little jingle from a wind chime here, a little puddle on a street corner there, and -look out- it’s getting wild and woolly. It’s sort of endearing.
A combination of Josh, school, and the elections have made me start to question my sociopolitical stance, once again. When I entered junior college, I didn’t know the difference between liberal and conservative. My family never spoke in those terms – not because they are neutral, though. My family is pretty much conservative, through and through. But the more liberal topics I got to taste, the more my palate began to prefer them. By the time I walked out of my last final exam at UCSD, I was confident in my decision to register as a democrat – at least, more than I would have been as a republican.
My confidence began to shake when I started listening to Dr. Laura Schlessinger on KOGO, AM 600. It was an accident, at first – I was listening to local talk show conservative Roger Hedgecock for my boss to give his opinion on homelessness and City government. I was driving to the store or something, and when I got back in the car, Dr. Laura was in the middle of giving her opinion to a caller, and the rest of the world. I’m sure I didn’t hear much of the conversation, but it was enough to shock me into listening to the rest of the show when I got home.
She was brutal, bitchy, opinionated, and bone-cracking-ly conservative – but logical. Extremely logical, actually. Women would call her, crying, and try to argue their point with her, but she would shoot them down with simple reason every time.
Caller: “My husband’s lazy. He won’t get a job.” – DL: “Did he have a job when you married him?” – Caller: “No.” – DL: “Then you married the wrong man.”
Caller: “I think my husband is cheating on me.” – DL: “What do you do to make him want to cheat on you?”
Caller: “I can’t talk to my husband like I talk to my girlfriends.” – DL: “Your husband isn’t your girlfriend.”
Of course, these are simplifications of the typical conversation you’d hear, but representative nonetheless. The freshly gilded feminist I was turning into was disgusted, at first, at what she was hearing. It’s the woman’s fault if her man cheats? The woman should always make an effort to look nice? The way the man takes care of his family depends on the way the woman takes care of him? What the hell? I thought the man should be thanking god that he scored an awesome chick like me, who takes care of herself, can carry on a conversation, pick out a good restaurant, and pay for the half the groceries.
It started to make sense, though. I feel better when I look good or when he compliments me, so I can at least do my hair on the weekends. The way to man’s heart truly is his stomach – no one has ever disproved that statement. Men like lovin’ – no one ever will disprove that statement. While she sort of puts the responsibility on the woman, it’s almost a compliment. Her philosophy, basically, is that men are simple creatures, and women can use that to keep their relationships simple (as simple as relationships get). I even bought her book, “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands,” and found I was comforted by the animalistic banality of its contents. How to make your man happy: feed him, boost his confidence, and give him sweet lovin’. The end.
The more I fought it, the more I realized that I could still be smart, independent, and fun while taking care of my man. Taking care of a man doesn’t make you a slave or less of a woman – it makes you a good partner. In turn, if you take care of your man, he’s supposed to take care of you. So I get to keep everything about myself that I like, and I get a man that takes care of me back, as long as I pick a good one.
With my slow breakdown of feminism, the rest of my left seemed to follow. I’ve switched from dating artists to military men, and I like it. I can’t listen to Air America without rolling my eyes. I see America’s negative qualities still, but I’m not embarrassed to be American. I see the value of religion, rather than the hegemonic hypocrisy.
Maybe I’m just getting older, and I’m mistaking it for a sort of creeping case of conservative values. But I still read my horoscope every month, I am and will always be pro-choice, I will always love wine, I hold on to the little earth mother inside me, I love artsy things & people, I will forever eat sushi, I find vegetarian “meat” innovative & tasty, and I hate greed.
So, which of the candidates matches those qualities…
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: evolution, life, love, men, random, relationships, sex, thoughts, women
This morning’s drink: SLO Roasted Peruvian (still the best coffee on Earth).
Alright – it’s time for me to make the announcement that some of you may have already suspected would come. Big Josh and I are a couple.
The evolution of our relationship began with a post I wrote back in November, and at the time I wasn’t expecting it to come this far. In fact, I was expecting it to die during Vegas, for a number of reasons. Even just last week, I had this feeling that it was all just my imagination, or the product of some poorly placed trust. But these last few days have made me start to believe that it’s true. And that it’s good. And it’s freaking me out.
It’s not freaking me out in a bad way, like I want to bolt. But it is giving me that anxious, spastic sort of spell where I start trying to predict the future. I can sum up my biggest relationship-future fear with the scene in “Look Who’s Talking,” where Kirstie Alley is smoking in the kitchen with last night’s mascara under her eyes, the kids have spaghetti and lettuce all over their faces, and John Travolta is making farting noises and wearing a stained wifebeater. Relationships, and the people in them, never stop evolving – but what determines how and where the forks in the road come to be?
I think the first influence relates to each person’s goals. I want to have a career that I love, and a life that keeps me stimulated. Once I feel those things are secured, I’ll consider the whole baby thing. He needs to have goals, too, so that both people have things that keep them on track and centered in their own minds. Two people have to be centered in themselves before they can balance a relationship – and yes, this is different than being self-centered.
The second influence relates to principles – you have to know where you draw the line. Admittedly, this has taken me a long time to get to, but I’m definitely getting there. You don’t think Jenn came up with her list of dealbreakers and warning signs all by herself, now, do you?
The third has to do with sense of humor. Even though the things that make you laugh will change, your sense of humor remains pretty stable. A sense of humor gives you a way to relate, to cope, and to enjoy the world around you, in a relatively simple way. If your humor matches in class, type, and intensity, you can sort of rely on that to float you through sucky times, and to really enjoy the good ones. Otherwise, it’s just very grating.
This is what I know so far, but my relationships to date haven’t exactly been ironclad. I’d be interested, and grateful, to hear some other perspectives on the qualities that keep two people evolving together.
And don’t worry – this will not turn into a mushy gag-blog.
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: assholes, broke, coffee, life, optimism, random, school, work, writing
Last night’s drink: Vendange merlot.
You can tell by the steady decline in the quality of my alcohol that I’m still recovering from the financial blows of the holidays. That, and Wells Fargo is a business based on the highest grade of assholes alive. Don’t ever use them. EVER.
Despite having a only a few Washingtons to my name, I’m finding that I already have a lot to keep me occupied until the payday after rent. Thanks to my insider connection with a coffee roaster, I have at least a three-month supply of delicious coffee, which makes me feel better no matter what. I also have a lot of food in my fridge, thanks to the sustaining properties of peanut butter and jelly. I have makeup, nice clothes, and a flat iron, which help me to garner mood-lifiting compliments. I can clean my apartment, and cleanliness is next to godliness. I have full use of my legs, so I can walk to anywhere downtown, in Balboa Park, or bayside, where people watching is at a premium. I have paid my phone, internet and cable bills, so that’s set for a month. I am engulfed in a book that I love, which is the height of satisfaction. But mostly, I just have coffee. Without coffee, I wouldn’t be in the mood to appreciate everything else. Now I just need a friend in the wine business.
I started school at the beginning of this month, so I’ve been writing a lot, just not in here. Jenn said that she missed my blog, and I really appreciate that. The funny thing is that I’m still getting a lot of hits – mostly from people googling the term “crossdresser” (in reference to my “Pink Swoon” post from October). There are some pretty interesting blogs out there from crossdressers. Some of those might even be just as entertaining without coffee.
Going back to school has renewed my outlook on life, and on myself. I feel accomplished again, and intelligent, and that I truly do have talents and contributions to make to the world. I can overlook the assholes at work, and recognize that they don’t mean anything to me. The light at the end of my current job is not much farther away than the end of December – or June, if I decide to scrap it all and start waiting tables again. Even with the decrease in pay, I have a feeling I’d be happier overall. I’d definitely have more to write about.
In the meantime, though, I’ll keep looking for satisfaction in free activities, such as walking into the nearest Wells Fargo branch and flipping off the personal bankers, one by one.
I mean… watching the birds. With coffee.
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: chaos, life, love, men, random, relationships, society, thoughts, women
Tonight’s drink: vodka and olive juice.
The woman’s monthly dip in hormones can be a blessing and a curse. For some, it may put a cramp in evening activities, or even daily activities for the extra plagued. It has an influence on wardrobe choices, and whether or not she is pissed at herself for deciding to wait until next weekend to do laundry. In fact, it influences whether or not she is pissed off at a lot of things, and can even prompt her to call ex-lovers and stop protecting them from the things she always wanted to tell them. Or, it can be the catalyst for the explosive realizations she has about current lovers, and the domino effect those can produce. There is less patience, less inhibition, perhaps even less tact. There is more justification for eating cookies for dinner, having another glass of wine, or crying while listening to the same song over and over again.
I was craving a writing prompt this evening, along with the rest of the Nutter Butters in my kitchen. In answer to the first craving, I reverted back to an October blog of Jenn’s which, in turn, was a play off a Chris Brogan blog post about 100 topics he wanted others to write about. Obviously, I am not as into the thick of social media as others, so I can’t relate to about 80% of them. However, I found two that seemed to play off of eachother right now in my life – numbers 51 and 93: “The Art of Chaos” and “Giving It Away.”
The art of creating chaos starts with disorder – stepping out of line and going straight to the front. Cutting corners and skipping steps takes away the infrastructure that the rest of the world depends upon to get through the day in an orderly fashion. You grow up in this world, and make social faux pas as you learn civility, because it isn’t animal nature to get in line and wait your turn to meet your needs. An infant sees a toy and grabs it for his own, and he has to learn how to share, and to play nice with others.
Civility exists to reign in our animalistic behaviors of self-serving competition so that we all obtain what we need to survive. In that sense, giving it away is a subtle though surefire way to start a little chaos both inside and outside of civilization. In the animal world, freebies go against the rule of competition, and dismantle things like evolution and food chains. Within society, freebies create a disincentive to contribute to the common good. Both situations could feasibly lead to chaos.
Even though giving things away can create chaos amongst the people, it seems civility creates little pools of chaos within people, because it sort of replaces one set of rules for another manufactured set that is contradictory to our instincts. It is within us to lay claim, and civility sort of suppresses that. Instead of relying on our strengths and accomplishments to not only survive but thrive, we have to depend on eachother and on the surrounding systems to tell us whether or not we have earned the life we seek.
I’m not suggesting that civility is bad – just that it sort of explains why we all feel like we are going a little crazy inside. You have these urges inside that you’ve been conditioned to fight, and the little struggles cause confusion in the backdrop of your everyday. The parallels to love, sex, hate, hunger, justice, etc. are easy to make, but what does it mean?
It means that hormones or no, just roll with it – and maybe, don’t get caught.
