Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: astrology, candy, evening, free, Halloween, horoscope, Jenn, life, NaBloPoMo, November, random, thoughts, venting, work
Tonight’s Drink: still Banrock (hey, I’m saving up all the fabulous drinks for Vegas).
It’s pretty much a solid gold statement that work is not my favorite place to hang out. However, work is probably one of the most resourceful and convenient places I spend my time. Need to fax something to my insurance company? I can do that at work. Want to print a fabulous picture of Jenn and I but I’m out of ink (or my printer just sucks)? I can also do that at work. Down to my last dollar and in need of food that consists of more than one ingredient? Sometimes work can even do that – yay for New Employee Orientation lunches!
Today, work filled an especially interesting void – it gave me a mini Halloween celebration. Helen gave me a little Halloween gift bag with every candy I was craving, and a cupcake. Women all over the office had brought in candy that they were hiding from their husbands… but the whole office was munching on it instead. Some people dressed up in very casual costumes. Father Joe actually didn’t wear the collar today, which I’m assuming is his version of acting like someone else for a day. But most of all, people were in a generally good mood, inside and outside of the office. The only bad part about today was leaving work. I was the last one there tonight, and many people upstairs have said that there is a Chinese ghost that haunts the place at night. This isn’t my first late night there, but it is my first late Halloween. My radio kept fuzzing in and out, and I kept jumping a little at the sound of the A/C – but no ghosts this time. If they don’t take the opportunity to scare me tonight, I’m just going to assume they aren’t interested.
In other thoughts.. the countdown continues, and I’m pleasantly surprised at how quickly Wednesday flew by. In less than three hours, October will be replaced with November, and I can read my new horoscope for the month (you should do it, too – she’s good); I will have even fewer days until I’m lounging by the pool; and the National Blog Posting Month begins! Jenn and I will be attempting to participate – even in the Vegas mind-fog of next week. But maybe you’ll do it too! If you’re reading my blog, you know you can do better… or can you.
Alright… enough of this. Thank goodness for getting paid, having an office job with plenty of free electronic equipment and food, wine at home, friends all over this goshdarn nation, and a public venue in which to vent all over you, and you, and you, and, yes… even you.
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: Catholic, church, communion, confirmation, faith, life, random, religion, spirituality, Sunday, thoughts
This Evening’s Drink: still Banrock.
I’ve been baptised twice to date, but I’ve always held a candle for my first time: in the Catholic church. Of course, two years later my parents divorced, and my mom was disowned from the church, but it didn’t stop her from letting me sing with my Nana at the age of 6 in front of the whole pulpit, or from taking my sister and I to Midnight Mass every Christmas.
I attended many Sunday schools in some Protestant church down the road, but I always had an affection for Mass. I love the rituals and the repetition, the special prayer before dinner, and the “secret handshake” of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. Communion was special to me, and kneeling in the pews thereafter, I would pray so hard.
Of course, reality hit sometime around my teens, when my sister and I stood and watched everyone else, including extended family members, filter down the isle of the church to take communion. I’ve never been confirmed, so really I’m not allowed to reap the benefits of the body and the blood of Christ. I’ve always wanted to, though. Now that I’m alone, I think I finally will.
I found St. Joseph’s church in Little Italy, which offers adult confirmation classes. I can imagine that these look a lot like Traffic School – a bunch of adults, obviously hitting some sort of spiritual reprimand, and seeking the pass that will write off their sins. I already have two rosaries (gifts) and many bibles (gifts), and even a little pocket guide to “What Catholics Believe,” but I have a feeling that this sort of thing supercedes preparation.
One thing I have come to realize about myself is that faith is so important to me – moreso than I ever wanted to believe. But I do have faith that every action is a reaction to reason, and I want my children to grow up in a world that has hope and faith. Even if they don’t choose Christianity, I never want them to feel that they are the kickball on a metaphysical field. You have to have faith; otherwise you never have peace.
I’m going to attend mass this Sunday to make sure that I like the church before I commit a year or so to its teachings. Then I’ll spend next week in Vegas, and be back with plenty of reasons to go to confession.
Filed under: On the House | Tags: , coffee, dreams, insomnia, life, morning, October, random, shower, thoughts, work
This Morning’s Drink: SLO Roasted Peruvian blend coffee (the best on Earth – seriously).
My alarm was set for 4:30 a.m. this morning, but I kept having these awful dreams that awoke me at 1, 2, 3 a.m., so that I finally opted for a little peace from my brain, and got an early start to the day.
Usually my nightmares are very similar or even repeats, but the ones last night were brand new. A giant spider living in my heater that was just waiting for the right moment to snip my limbs off at the joints. A crazy man in the middle of the road back home in Dairyville who ran me off the road and into a ditch where he tried to drown me. Those are the two I remember most vividly. The others had to do with a bunch of shapeless images and feelings that I can’t quite describe, though I do recall a lot of dust flying around.
Wow, I already have to get in the shower in 15 minutes. I hate being rushed by life. It’s one of the few things that my insides throw a two-year-old tantrum against. It’s no use, though – life always has the upper hand. And then it’s like, when I get in the shower, life has bested me yet again! For awhile, this was happening every morning before work, and it was really bringing me down. I was so tired that I couldn’t stay awake, and I couldn’t get up early enough to have a little bit of quiet time before the raucus behavior of the day. Too bad it isn’t raucus because I have unique problems, like my two-headed cat won’t stop fighting itself over its Fancy Feast, or the engine of my Delorian keeps cutting out at traffic lights. At least then there would be some new discovery in my problem solving. The stuff I have to deal with now, I feel like I’ve heard it all before on talk radio.
I’ll be so glad when October is over. Something about this month raked me over the coals… and it wasn’t just the So Cal fires. To top it all off, since the fires are threatening to divert a huge chunk of my nonprofit’s income, it looks like I won’t be getting that raise after all.. I’ll be lucky if I get the annual 3% in June. I do love my job again, and I’m sure that I wasn’t meant to take that other offer. But what exactly is the lesson here… don’t follow your gut if it isn’t what Dad told you? I love and admire my Dad to bits, but what a bunch of crap. I guess it is that you make your decisions, and you go with them. I think our nature is to second guess ourselves.
Three minutes until mandatory shower time. I guess I should get the final warm up on my coffee before I brush my teeth. The good news is that it’s Tuesday, and that it will be over early. And in a week from today, I will be flying into my own personal heaven.
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: boredom, random, relief, thoughts, travel, tv, Vegas, work
Tonight’s drink: Banrock Station merlot.
So, I’m sitting here, watching my first official cable tv assignment, Dancing with the Stars. This definitely isn’t the kind of show that you can watch by yourself.
My eyes were so swollen this morning, I could barely put on mascara. But I just drank a lot of water and stayed in my office, and no one seemed to notice too much. I must not have looked too awful, though, because Ryan asked me to meet him and my girl Harper (and probably her husband) for drinks on Thursday. Nothing like getting the weekend started early.
One thing I do wish I would have gotten in on was Halloween. I can’t believe it’s just going to pass me by. And, at this point, I have no idea what I would even throw together. I’ll just default back to the fact that I’m waiting for Vegas.. and I’ll add that I’m saving up for when Halloween is actually on a weekend day again. Yeah… pssh.. who in their right mind…
Let the countdown begin until no work, lots of craziness, alcohol, dancing, looking, flirting, hurting the next morning, and then putting your shades on, pulling your hair up, throwing your bathing suit on, grabbing a liter of bottled water, and letting the sun be your blanket.
Oooh la la.
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: , emotions, leaving, life, love, personal, thoughts
Last night’s drink: vodka and soda, with two limes.
Although emotions are intangible and unpredictable, there is one thing about them that clearly joins them to the human body – they can be wounded. Since emotions don’t bleed, the wounds can stay open longer, and reopen more easily. The scar tissue is more like tissue paper. Any attempts to stitch them closed manually are a joke.
Zack will be on the road to Dallas by this evening. We had a really good time last night at Nunu’s, the bar he introduced me to years ago. It took him leaving for us to open up to eachother again. We had shut down and turned off our front porches to eachother, so that the past behind them would just wither, decay and dissolve into the ground. But, like a zombie, that past stuck around in a half-alive state, until it was awakened by the fact that more than a couple of bedroom communities would be between us. Last night we were the way we used to be, so long ago. But more mature, more open, more us. I’m not really one to get gushy or romantic, but it was really beautiful in its purity. Just two people on one level, with an entire world fluctuating around them.
So him leaving today is just like it was then, only worse. Worse because things are so much better, whereas back then the foundation was so much weaker, that when you stepped outside of he and I, you could say, “Yeah.. that makes sense.” The only thing that makes sense now is that he is going to a happier place in his life – a place where he will finally start to feel complete. And I’ll continue to grow in San Diego until I can’t grow anymore.
Then maybe it will be my turn to leave. And maybe, finally, the way Zack and I know eachother will make sense in a different way.
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: , broke, food, life, Oz, Pretty in Pink, random, thoughts, Vegas
Tonight’s drink: still Rex.
Tonight is one of those wierd evenings where I’ve taken one bite out of pretty much every food item in my home. It’s like I have this deep hunger inside me that can’t be fed.
So why I am milling around, eating myself out of house and home? I think a big part of it has to do with the fact that I am really and truly broke, and all I want to do is go out and be around those heathens downtown. I’ve closed all but my emergency credit card accounts, so that I’m running solely on cash… or solely on fumes.. those two can be used interchangeably in my case.
I know there’s something good about staying in all weekend.. especially since I’m going to be spending almost all week in Vegas in just about 10 days. I’m going to sit by the pool and blog, or read, or tan, or people watch, or listen to music, or just sleep until my eyes are too awake to even blink. And then I’ll get drunk and dance and ravage my body all over again. So this weekend I must be completely opposite of my Vegas self. I must be mild and quiet and pale-skinned. Easy enough.
The one thing I’m going to have to abstain from both before and during Vegas is shopping… which really sucks. I’m thinking I’m going to have to put on some Pretty in Pink moves and sew together some fabulous top. It might be fun. Or, it might be a disaster when all of the seams split mid-dance move at Rain. On second thought, that should be worth at least one free drink.
More than the partying and the pretending to be fabulous, I’m looking forward to simply getting the hell out of San Diego. I’m tired of the work, the drama, the lack of friends. America’s Finest City has become my own personal Oz. I guess you could say that I’m off to see the wizard at the end of the I-15. There’s no place like anywhere but home.
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: friends, life, people, random, thoughts, work
Tonight’s Drink: Rex Goliath.
I felt better yesterday after I helped answer phones for donations to the fire victims. I didn’t give blood, but at the end of the day, I didn’t see what good it would do. Besides, I have that positive Rh factor – I would be a completely universal donor if not for that little plus sign. It irks me a little.
So… I’ve been seeking out ways to meet people like a hungry bloodhound. I’m thinking of organizing the company Christmas party; I’m reading the “Strictly Platonic” section in Craigslist; I’m even revisiting match.com, which already looks to be a bad idea. I’m even looking at taking a community class like cooking, or joining the women’s choir. Something. Anything! People, come to me!
I guess that the downswing of a regional disaster isn’t the ideal time to strike up friendly chit chat with strangers.
Alright – now that that’s done, I’m enjoying some Jeopardy and jones-ing for more re-runs of Sex in the City. It’s obvious to me that I’ve been starved of cable for quite some time. I’m relishing in every decadent syndication that hasn’t been shown on Fox or NBC. Also a plus to this addition is the fact that I can finally talk to other people at work about… things other than work. I don’t open up at work often, because I think my dorkiness is potentially debilitating to my career. I’ll have to agree with Jenn that being young requires you to maintain a facade of level-thinking in order to ensure that people don’t immediately start to notice your age. So now I can mask my personal self, yet free my character, by debriefing on Dancing with the Stars. It’s a start.
Man, I can’t wait for Vegas.
Filed under: On the House | Tags: fire, life, luck, morning, San Diego, thoughts
This morning’s drink: Coffee.
There’s something interesting about being in the middle of the San Diego fires and being completely safe. A lot of the people I work with were evacuated yesterday, or at least on standby, yet I live close enough to downtown and the coastline that I’m pretty much in 0% danger. Obviously, this is a good thing, especially since I’ve already moved my apartment three times in the last month, but I found that I was almost embarrassed to say where I lived. I listened to the radio all day anxiously, but it was almost like I didn’t have the right. The anxiety swirling around this place is almost off-limits, and my opportunities to empathize are very limited.
At the most, I can share the inconvenience of smoke inhalation with everyone around here, and the most I can do to contribute my good fortune is to donate my money to the cause. However, the fires haven’t made me suddenly more prosperous, and I can’t really volunteer because I’m expected at work (since I don’t have to evacuate), and they want all “non-essential” people off the roads. I’m thinking I’ll go donate blood today, because they’re asking for extra donations, but even that feels so menial.
I feel so sad for these people who have lost their homes – from the incredibly rich people of Rancho Santa Fe to the suburbians of Poway. But how will my one pint of blood start to ease their pain? They’ve said that even people to listen can help by acting as make-shift shrinks. Still, why would someone want to spill their sorrows on the lucky girl who dodged the bullet? If I’m getting scorn at work for being so safe, how are these strangers going to take me?
I feel like I’m in sort of a funny place. I guess I should just ignore what everyone else thinks and move my little golden child self to go out and help. Although San Diego is all about taking care of number one, the people here are amazing when all the number ones are threatened. In the end, to be able to participate in the good of SD is probably a much rarer event.
Filed under: Daily Specials | Tags: charmed, fires, life, luck, perfection, random, Rogue, San Diego, thoughts
Tonight’s Drink: a 40 oz. of Dead Guy Ale.
My mom once said that I live a charmed life. It really stuck with me, probably because I am so lucky. Don’t get me wrong, I work very hard. But there is a sheen to everything I have. My adorable cheap apartment which happened to be completely clear of all eight fires in San Diego; my fabulous teal mustang convertible stripped directly from a Vanilla Ice video; my extremely comfortable life; great friends; gracious ex-boyfriends; a job that I have fallen in love with again.
So how’d I get so lucky? The truth is, I don’t know. Is it because my grandma Jiggy used to burn ja sticks for me? Maybe, but I don’t really know a lot about those. Is it because I’m a little bit Italian and I’ve had my gold horn since I was a little girl? It’s possible. Is it because I pray? It could be, but probably not since I don’t think desparation prayers really count. Is it that I’m doomed to die young and I’m just collecting all my good fortunes at a faster rate? Hmm.. moving on.
When I was in fifth grade, I thought that the only thing a person needed to be perfect was to be the nicest person in class. So I expended all of my energy on being friendly, humble, generous, loyal, etc. (you can tell that, at that time, I watched a lot of after school specials). When I got into high school, I discovered that all the time I spent trying to be as minimally grating and “perfect” as possible made me the most boring person on Earth. But being the human equivalent of Taco Bell mild sauce is a really difficult thing to bounce back from. So instead of trying to bounce, I did everything I could to blend in more. I’m not a tomboy, but I wore hanes tshirts and Levi’s with men’s dress shoes for the last half of my high school days. I’m lucky I had such great girlfriends, otherwise I probably would’ve just wilted away.
See… charmed.
The Santa Anas are blowing hard as the smoke ushers in the evening, and even in my charmed state I can’t help but wonder what I would take with me if I did have to evacuate my home. The newscasters just told a story about a man standing on the edge of Lake Arrowhead near the smoldering ruins of his $1.6 million dollar home, screaming to the sky, “I think that’s enough for one man.” I can’t help but think that there’s a double meaning to that statement. Obviously, the burden of loss is a huge one… but at the same time, how much do you need to have enough? The answer, obviously, is different for everyone.
When I close my eyes, there is a slight deliverance in imagining my apartment engulfed in flames. All of the sentiments, the pictures, trinkets, blankets, books, plastic bags, clothes, carpet, shoes, movies, face cream.. everything. All of my past up in smoke. The fruit of my charms. Of course, I can’t afford it, but I think the sense of relief would be euphoric. Just for a second.
